Went to the wake today. Me and minfeng went up first with the teachers before we go to our assigned places to stand by. The room is pretty small and I was really anxious because I just don't know what to expect...The photo of him looks so...he looks so young and so happy...I really felt upset then when I saw the picture. Then decided to see his face. It totally don't look like him at all. He looks so pale, so thin...so old...you can tell he suffered a lot in the last few months...yet...he has a smile on his face now. And that means he went peacefully, willingly, happily...though he may not be alive now, but I'm sure in our hearts, he is still the same fierce and passionate person. His voice will echo in the ears of our minds, we'll remember his usual frown when he walks down the corridors of school and how girls will always check that their attire is appropriate before they open the staff room door for fear that he would be somewhere near...haha....I shall definitely miss those fearful times...

So I may not be very close to him and I may not be from tennis, but that doesn't mean that he did not impact me one way or another. He does. And you know, I realize that he had really inspired me to be who I am today. He teaches me so many values and skills...and because of him, I guess that is why I could hold so many leadership positions in class, in CCA, in school and even outside. The only thing I regret is not thanking him for teaching me and inspiring me. And I will miss all those moments when he laughed, when he scolded, when he was amused...I guess I'll never be able to attend his PE lessons anymore, I'll miss wearing my shorts right up my waist and tucking in my shirt all the way...PE lessons just isn't as fun without him around.

But he's gone to a better place now. I'm sure he's smiling somewhere where the sky is always blue, where there is peace and harmony and happiness, where he can do the things he loved like teaching tennis to the people up there, like asking God questions which has never been answered when he was alive...I'm sure he's happy up there. I should be happy shouldn't I? He's saved by the Lord isn't he? For it is said " Call upon the name of the Lord and be saved." Or that is just part of a song. Oh wells.

Anyway, I can't help but break down when I saw him...I don't know why I did so...The teachers were crying as well but they were consoling each other...and I have to thank Miss Rose (is that how you spell?) for being there for me when I was crying. She's really really nice and I hope with her help, SJAB would go to further heights...

Before I stepped into the house, had to wash my face and hands with water that has flowers in it. And when I entered the house, no one is to see me. I'm suppose to just put down my bag and go to bath. So that's what I did. And I had to pour another bucket of water that has flowers in it on myself. And the water was seriously cold. But the thought I had of me smelling like the flowers..well, it didn't happen. Heh. Ok. Haha. But I'm glad I'm better now. Like Ms Masura said, the emptiness we may feel can only be filled by God and no one else..this is a time where we can turn to him for strength, for support, for us to be saturated with his presence and his love...

Rather late now, I shall go off. Take care you all, find strength through the Lord and you'll be able to move on...I'm sure that's what Mr Quah wants us to do as well. He wants us to move on with life as he is happy where he is now..and you know you can always talk to me when you needed someone to be there for you. My offer goes to anyone who genuinely needs someone to talk to or be a listening ear.

- #67

***Hey, how are you? I'm glad you've been coming to school lately. It's nice to see you in school...read your latest entry. Hmm.. you know, I know how you feel now. I've been through that before, I've just gotten over it lately...sometimes being accommodating just gives you more pain. But you know, you just can't help being in more pain and being the blind fool because of the person...It's never easy to let go...especially to let go completely. There is always that small little part you will hold on to so dearly...when you do let go, when something else happens, you'll go back to holding on to your emotions again. It's a viscious cycle that is hard to get out of. You must be feeling lost and confused now I guess...part of you is that is...but I'm sure you can overcome this. You've got my support. Give me a call, or sms, or talk to me or write to me...it doesn't matter...but you know, you're never quite alone when it comes to dealing with such things. Yes, no one can truly help you except yourself. But God is always there for you. He stands by you all through your darkest moments. Turn to him and trust in him that he will bring you through this trial. Pray and he will answer you because he says, "seek and you shall fine, ask and you shall recieve, knock and the door shall be opened unto you". He will give you strength and determination...you will slowly learn to let go completely and to heal. God will not leave you empty and abandoned if you ask him not to. Trust in him always. And yarh, you know you can find me anytime if you wish to, Don't be shy, you're not troubling me at all.. Erm...I just want you to know that I'll be praying that you will find that blue sky again and that you will feel the Lord's presence so that you know he is always with you...take care and keep smiling! Learn to understand what this sentence means, but you can ask me if you don't get it: Sometimes He calms the storm, sometimes He calms His child. ***